Tonight on the News With Trevor ‘Big’ MacDonald: “Paris. Is. Worth A Mass.”
“You’re Giving Me The Fear!”
Right about now you’ll probably be feeling some emotions about the Paris terrorist attacks. You’ll probably have switched on a media source, such as the TV or radio, with that habitual idea that it’s important in order to find out what’s going on in the world.
And today there’s something ‘big’. Bad guys have attacked Paris and lots of people have been killed. And those bad guys are Muslims and immigrants – just like we’d been warned about. “Oh why were the French so stupid as to be a free and open society?”
And as Paris is very like our towns and cities (give or take the odd croissant and rat-dog on a lead) the emotions running through us will surely be negative – perhaps with a tinge of perverse excitement. Most likely somewhere between fear and anger. Both of which are, incidentally, precursors of hatred.
So let’s break it down some more. If this can happen in Paris it could happen here (wherever YOU live). Yikes. So the knee-jerk response is to think of a way to prevent it – because we want to protect our homes, friends and loved ones, of course. How? What can be done save ourselves from a similar fate?
Well first of all we need to know the details about who were the perpetrators and what their reasons were. How can we find this out? It can only be the TV, radio and newspapers of course.
We trust them. We have had a relationship with them for all our lives. We remember our Dads dutifully watching the news and reading papers and our Mums listening to the radio. They are our allies in this world. They help us understand and make sense of this confusing world of murders and crazy brain-washed madmen. They tell us why and show us heroes who know how to defend us. They help us feel safer.
We know that the best way to stop our families from succumbing to a similar horror is to destroy the evil in this world. Movies, dramas and books all agree: Meet fire with fire. Rise up as an even stronger force than the evil armies and triumphantly attack the foes.
Our familiar media icons in their familiar suits and ties with their familiar idioms and cultural references show us pictures of weird nutters with fire breathing weapons and disorientating costumes shouting incomprehensible battle cries. That could have been you or I at the footie game, with our sons. Just trying to get through the day, normally and decently. With a pie and a pint. And now the lunatics are here! We’ve let them all in! Loads of ‘em! It’s only a matter of time before they come and get us with our pies and pints!
“Ok. Here’s the plan,” says the ethnically diverse newsreader (Hey fancy that! She’s obviously seen the light; left the barbarians and joined the good guys. They can’t quite all be bad and it underlines what a wonderfully tolerant flag we all cower under). “We listen to our politicians!”
The news then cuts to a sombre western leader. He’s in a dark suit and begins by demonstrating how much he cares. He’ll tell us about how his thoughts have been with the families of the dead good guys. Christ he really is a caring good guy. Almost saintly. What does he suggest to keep this terrible fate from happening to us…?
He says they were stupid not to have allowed this to happen. He says that the writing was on the wall and we’ve know for ages that these bonkers lunatics have been trying to get us like this for ages. Sure, he appreciates how nice it is to be tolerant but honestly it’s too much of a risk. We need to close down all our liberties and be suspicious and frightened more. Or it’ll surely happen again! To you or I!
We’ll probably need more aggressive guns and nasty men to check on us. Incase they’re in and around our houses and towns. We’ll probably need to give more money to people who make the guns and uniforms and train the dogs and operate the prisons. We’ll need everyone to get nervous about the minorities in our localities. We’ll need to trust the authorities more to stop those that can’t be trusted (who currently have brown skin …they used to have Irish accents, but they’ve decided to behave now).
So. To summarise: The reasons the nutters did this is because they are genetically and culturally nuts. This can’t be helped sadly, so we’ll have to kill them – possibly at source with long range bombers. But that’s not enough because for some reason they’re over here in large numbers. So we’ll have to make sure that we get them individually too. That might mean you and I spending more on reducing our freedoms, but hey, it’s a small price to pay for stopping mad sub-human weirdos from annihilating everything that’s dear to us.
Oh and in order to keep up to date with how to understand what else is happening and to be prepared for the next attack by foreign enemies keep tuned into the media – otherwise you’ll be buying your lottery ticket and topping up your ‘leccy meter and without warning you and you children will likely be murdered by someone who’s had to flee a war zone because our military have bombed the shit our of their homeland.
Anyway, Match of the Day and Strictly Come Dancing next, so don’t think too deeply about it – leave that to the boffins in the suits. They’ll keep you safe…